Swordplay
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: In which Yuuri and Conrad are being awkwardly perverted at each other. Yuuri's sword has a mind of its own, both literally and figuratively speaking. Wink. Nudge.


A/N: The moves in this fic are real Medieval/Renaissance German sword techniques. I'm so sorry I made them all perverted. Pfft! SO PERVERTED.

**Swordplay**

They've set up a practice area on a secluded patch of short grass, far away from the soldiers' usual training grounds. Here, Conrad faces off against a straw dummy.

"The sword is an extension of yourself. Watch carefully."

He gets into position, sword ready at his side, then quickly charges at his opponent. Sword arm leveling the blade straight forward, he extends it in a fierce thrust, but before the deadly tip makes contact, his other hand grasps the middle of the sword – the blade itself! Faster than lightning, the strike connects with an unerring blast of skill and strength. Straw flies out from the back of the dummy, exploding in a flurry of dancing golden strands.

He pulls out and sheaths his sword in one smooth motion. "This is called half-sword," he explains. "Morgif is an older style of longsword. He's made of heavier material than our modern standard issue weaponry, which is part of the reason why you've been having some difficulties with maintaining balance and accuracy. Using the half-sword technique will help you practice accuracy, and give you more leverage and a stronger thrust that can be deadly even against someone who is fully armored. If used correctly, it should allow you to pierce through most types of platemail."

Yuuri shifts around as he listens, trying his best to concentrate, but failing horribly. It's not that Conrad's lessons are boring, or that he hates sword practice. No, not at all! Yuuri definitely prefers physical activity over the necessary evils of paperwork. It's just that he's a young man, and his relationship with Conrad is…is a _relationship _now. _That _kind of relationship.

He's riding on the thrill of his first (and hopefully last) not-entirely-platonic (okay, sexual) relationship with someone. Maybe it's the "honeymoon period", or maybe it's not. Whatever it is, the fact is that this is making it extremely difficult for Yuuri to remember all the stances, guards, parries, counter-attacks, and strikes…and thrusts… No! No thrusts! Why did they have to do thrusts today?

Moreover, why did swords have to be so phallic? Yuuri grips the hilt of his own sword. Morgif moans in his hands, "Awoooo. Uuuuoooorrr." It was just his luck to be stuck with a sword that moaned when he grabbed the hilt.

"I'm...supposed to do that? And I won't cut myself?"

"Well, that's why you're wearing gloves today, and if you take a closer look, you'll see that Morgif isn't sharpened along this area – it's been left dull on purpose." Conrad leans over and strokes the blade as he speaks. "The more practical swords are usually designed with this technique in mind. Once you've got this down, we'll move on to where to aim when thrusting from above versus thrusting from below..."

Th-th-thrusting from different positions? A-a-aiming? Aiming for _what_?

"...Then we'll go over how to take advantage of this feature to grab an enemy's incoming blade..."

Conrad's voice floats in and out. Yuuri snaps back to attention only as Conrad motions for him to get ready to try out the new maneuver. Honestly, he had blanked out sometime during that explanation because he was thinking of Conrad leaning down and grabbing and stroking incoming blades. He tries in vain to remember the proper footing and sees his instructor frown out of the corner of his eye. Yuuri really doesn't want to disappoint Conrad after all the hard work the other man had put into creating a personalized training schedule for him, but his sword arm shakes as he lifts up Morgif. And Morgif! The demon sword just keeps shamelessly moaning away.

"Morgif, you're not helping," he whispers under his breath.

"Oooohaaa?"

"Your Majesty?

Yuuri is not amused, but Morgif, the perverted chunk of rust, is very excited. Lord Weller is not exactly Morgif's type, not having much in the chest area and generally being too tall and muscular and…a man who looked like a man, but life as an intelligent sword gets rather lonely. There are no lady swords, unless that nice rapier with the ample handguard hanging in Lady Cheri's room counted. The Mazoku women don't seem to like him much, either. Morgif has decided to settle for looking at pretty ladies and cheering on the Maou when he and Lord Weller get frisky.

Morgif is all for getting frisky. Sometimes Yuuri looks like he wants to jump Lord Weller, or vice versa, but they don't do it. Morgif does not think this is a good thing, because they'll let it all get built up inside them and it'll have severe consequences, like the world-shattering indigestion Morgif had after his first meal in decades. And so it was his duty to help them "get it on", so to speak.

Yuuri works on his footing, getting balanced before trying to lift Morgif into the proper position. Once Morgif is up in the air, however, the sword leaps up even further and Yuuri has to twist him back down.

"Hold still, Morgif!" he hisses under his breath.

Morgif happily bounces up and down, forcing his master to tighten his grip. The bouncing is obscene! Nearly pornographic!

"Ooh!"

"It's not funny!"

Correction: it's not funny to Yuuri. Morgif finds this all very entertaining, and though Yuuri has finally managed to tighten his hold until Morgif can no longer bounce obscenely, he still twitches in the Maou's grasp. Yuuri has no idea what's gotten into Morgif today. The demon sword hasn't acted up like this in a long time. He silently tries to beam telepathic thoughts to his sword, pleading with him to cooperate for just a little while.

"…Yuuri? Is something wrong?"

Yes. My sword is up- acting up! I meant to say my sword is acting up!

"No, nothing!" Even as he gasps out those words, Morgif manages to tilt up some more. Yuuri's hands shake as he forces the sword back down.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

No, I'm not. In fact, tons of things are going wrong. For instance, every other thought that I've had today has had inappropriate sexual innuendo in it. It's all the damn swords! I can't seem to get my mind out of the gutter and it's making me really horny.

Yeah, as if! There was no way he could say that to Conrad. No matter how familiar they had gotten with each other, there were some things that were better off unsaid. Besides, knowing Conrad, he would get teased with a really bad joke, like, "Oh, innuendo? Because of the swords? Hmm, so you're having trouble with sWORDplay?" Gah! Just thinking about it was making him shudder. In the end, he tells the abridged truth.

"I can't get my sword to go down!" Oh, great Shinou, why did that still sound so dirty?

Conrad quirks an eyebrow at that, and Yuuri thinks he looks deviously amused. (Damn you, Lord Weller.) Then Morgif is moaning away again, "Uwwoh, uwwoh!"

"Morgif! What's with you today?"

With one last burst of strength, Morgif grits his teeth and manages to pull! Pull! He pulls with all his might and sends Yuuri flying toward Conrad!

"Morgiiiiif! Aaaa- oof!" Yuuri smacks into Conrad's chest.

"Aaaaaah. Mmmmm."

And now Morgif sounds very pleased. Inordinately pleased. Yuuri-is-going-to-die-of-embarrassment pleased, because he's finally managed to figure out that Morgif's plan is to help him "get some", and yeah, he wishes he could curl up under a rock and die.

"…Conrad, I... I don't think I can get that one to go down, either."

"Yuuri, you're…"

"I have a boner! Don't make fun of me! I mean, I'm a teenager. According to pop culture, sex is all I think about. Do you have any idea what kind of innuendo gets said in the boys' locker room? I'd bet the same thing happens in the barracks. You didn't really think I was a total innocent, did you? After what we did last week?"

Deep inside, Conrad is probably leering at him, but he's too polite to do so outwardly. That...just makes the situation even more awkward, because while Yuuri is rambling, Conrad is just smiling in that evil Conrad-y way.

Once, when he had unexpectedly popped into Shin Makoku with a hand on his crotch, taking care of business, Conrad had had that same super-polite smile on his face - the one where he was careful to keep his eyes closed in a happy (way too happy) squint because otherwise Yuuri would see the spark of evil in his eyes. This was Conrad's Perverted Smile.

"So, ah… Would you mind showing me some new techniques with your sword…or something like that? No, that definitely sounded better in my head."

"Yuuri, are you being a pervert?"

No, of course not! And he's not pouting, either!

"…Maybe. Aren't you?"

Oh, there it is! Conrad opens his eyes, and now it's the Dirty Leering Smile. See? Yuuri is usually right about Conrad's smiles.

"I'm not a gentle man, Yuuri." He says it as a warning, the Lion flashing intensely in his eyes. "Are you sure you want to see this side of me?"

Yuuri feels his cheeks heat up under the careful watch of this ferocious Conrad – this side that usually remains hidden under his calm demeanor. Where his Nazukeoya is kind and mellow, the Lion is bold and unrelenting. He blushes, but he doesn't shrink away. No, he's not afraid of this man, because this man is Conrad. A long time ago, when Yuuri first found out some of Conrad's secrets, he had said to himself that he would love this man even if he were evil.

"I've already seen it. You can't scare me away, Conrad."

"Well, then. Let me demonstrate one of the more advanced techniques based on half-sword."

"Waitaminute. We're not...?"

Conrad just grins and says, "You'll see. Now attack me with your sword," but when Yuuri just stares at him dumbly, he adds with a teasing smirk, "Morgif, that is."

Gulping down his nervousness, Yuuri steps away from the warmth and gets into a shaky semblance of the correct stance. They lift their swords at the same time and charge.

"Hyaa!"

The swords clash above their heads, and Yuuri pushes against Conrad, trying to force the other man back. Conrad is stronger and steadier, and can't be budged, and then the soldier does the unexpected. He pushes back, and Yuuri's arms, along with his sword, fly backward and to the side.

He's been knocked off-balance and all he can think of is, "Oh, crap!" Before he knows what's going on, Conrad is coming at him from an angle, slightly behind him, actually! And then he has one hand on the blade in half-sword, but is pointing the weapon to the side rather than straight forward, and then the hilt is coming toward his neck! And then! And then!

Whump.

Yuuri's ass hits grass.

He's laying down flat on his back, panting to catch his breath, with Morgif flung off to who knows where. Conrad is leaning down from above him, somehow having twisted his body so that he's poised to thrust the sword down into Yuuri's defenseless chest. He doesn't, of course, but what he _does_ is equally surprising.

Yuuri distantly hears a sword being tossed to the ground, and then he's being covered by a pleasantly heavy warmth.

"This is how you incapacitate your opponent using a half-sword throw," Conrad says cheekily. A kiss, a nip. "Did you get all that?" A lick, a bite.

"No, I think you'll have to show me again. A few times, actually. I'm a slow learner."

"My pleasure."

Ah... No, no, that's not right. The pleasure is all Yuuri's, definitely. Mmm...definitely.

"Conrad. Oh! Nnnnn..."

Somewhere between Conrad's throaty chuckling and his hot, wet kisses, Yuuri hears something out of place. It's like a rustling of some sort, like something crawling through the grass. And...oh, that's good! Ahem. And since he had always been too curious for his own good, he turns his head a little. Really, he turned to see if he could track down the strange noise, not just because it let Conrad have better access to his neck. Really. Ah, but those lips are doing things that feel too good to allow for proper brain function...

...And then he sees it.

"Wait, s-stop!"

Conrad immediately pulls back in compliance. "Do you really want me to stop?"

"Well, no," Yuuri admits. Conrad quirks an eyebrow at this and resumes his slow, intense kisses down Yuuri's neck, pausing to nip and suck at his pulse. And Yuuri is… Yuuri is…losing coherency again…and…

He snaps out of it with a shout. "MORGIF IS WATCHING!"

They stare at each other, catching their breaths for a few interminable seconds, then turn their heads to see Morgif, who has inched his way to a good view.

"Haaa. Uhuuuhuuuh." Morgif sounds very pleased with himself. Even more pleased than he was before. Yuuri is infinitely troubled by exactly how pleased his freakish sword sounds, and his brows draw down as he frowns. He sighs, placing a hand on Conrad's arm, thinking that he'll return Morgif to the armory and start preparing for his evening appointments. When he looks over at Conrad, though, he sees his companion looking rather…wicked. Conrad's lips twitch into a slow smirk, and Yuuri thinks maybe he should run for the hills, except this is Conrad, and Conrad would never do anything bad to him, right? Right?

Conrad pins Yuuri with his Lion's gaze. "Should we give him a show?"

Yuuri's jaw drops as he comes to the realization that he really hadn't known what he was getting into. Not that he was complaining…

* * *

Damn, Conrad was wild!

He had grass stains on his ass, and is still a little bit sore, but it was worth it. It was also really creepy having to pick up Morgif afterwards, knowing full well that the dirty old sword had seen everything, and Yuuri didn't think he would ever be able to use Morgif without looking very, very troubled, but he thought he would just not think about that ever again. Ever, ever again. Ever.

Instead, Yuuri grins stupidly for the whole day after their escapades. It's actually a great send-off, since he's scheduled a return to Earth for a few days. Murata is tagging along behind him, with Conrad as their guard, as they make their way to the fountain in Shinou's temple. Murata had checked in with Ulrike and made sure everything was all right with His Childishness, Shinou, and they were right on time for departure.

"Ah, Murata, you wanna see a game this weekend? ...Hmm?"

Murata's glasses are glinting. That's not a very good sign.

"Oh, sure, a game sounds fine. I've got something to ask Lord Weller, if you wouldn't mind..."

"O-okay, then. Great. I'll just be waiting by the fountain, then. Um...bye, Conrad." He really would prefer not to be caught in one of Murata's schemes. And Murata didn't like Conrad in that way, right? Yuuri doesn't have to be jealous; he just shrugs it off.

"Have a safe journey, Your Majesty."

"It's Yuuri!"

"Yuu-ri."

Gah! Why did Conrad always have to tease him by saying his name like that? Yuuri turns and runs down the hall, blushing all the way.

Murata's grin breaks out wide as he watches the schmoopy parting and gets even wider as his friend is out of hearing range.

"Ahem."

"Yes, Your Holiness?"

"Ah, Lord Weller? Perhaps you would know why Shibuya was mumbling something earlier...about needing a top hat and a whip for lion taming?"


End file.
